


Connected

by TuskedLioness



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Agoraphobia, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Anxiety Disorder, Child Abuse, Depression, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Phobias, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, because they're hermits lol, slightly OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-03-03 20:16:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13348713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuskedLioness/pseuds/TuskedLioness
Summary: For the past few years, Pearl has trouble opening up to people. Due to a crippling phobia, Lapis has trouble leaving the house.But sometimes, isolation can bring people together. And even in redundancy, life can be full of surprises. No one is truly alone.(THIS FIC IS DISCONTINUED. PLEASE READ "CONNECTED (REDUX)" INSTEAD. I'M ONLY KEEPING THIS FIC ON HERE AS AN EXAMPLE OF MY WRITING PROGRESS / IMPROVEMENT.)





	1. The Assignment

The human race is a prevailing species despite all the odds that it shouldn’t be. In their natural state, they are small, defenseless, lack swiftness and dexterity, and most of all, are significantly fragile compared to other animals. But even then, they managed to rise up through the extraordinary forces of nature and to make the earth their sandbox.

But what made these creatures triumph over nature? Pearl pondered it, but she knew why, as much as she hated the answer. Humans overcome their weaknesses through the bonds they develop. If it weren't for their tendency for form into groups and to bounce off one another's ideas, they wouldn't have grown larger brains, formed tribes that influenced the longevity of themselves, or created inventions and tools to survive. Civilizations wouldn’t exist, which wouldn't have created the modern world Pearl lived in today.

Pearl stared absent-mindedly at the pages of her anthropology textbook as she waited for class to start. She already studied for this week's chapter, and didn’t bother to reread it. She had already gone over the review in her head multiple times and guessed all the answers right. The book was simply a prop so nobody could bother her.

Her ears perked when the creaky sound of the old classroom door opened, and a slow stream of students began to pour in and take their seats. She kept her eyes glued to the textbook and pretended she was reading. Her insides squirmed and she hoped no one would ask her for help on the quiz today. Which...had happened more than once on quiz days.

 _Oh please. They already don't talk to you,_ she tried to reassure herself. It was already nearing the end of the semester, and students have basically given up on her at this point. At first, people would sit by her and enthusiastically ask questions or compliment her outfits or eyes, but Pearl would nervously shoot them down. Eventually, the compliments and questions ceased.

Pearl took her eyes off the book. She took a slow, deep breath and glanced at the clock. Class would begin in three minutes. She put away her textbook and neatly arranged her pencil and notebook, then folded her hands on top her desk.

The click clack of glossy high heels entered the classroom. Professor Agate, a tall, chubby woman with neat, graying hair and a stern look on her face, stood straight in front of her desk. "Alright, class. I hope you have all studied, correct?"

Students nodded and said their yeses in agreement. A few cracked jokes about not studying. Pearl rolled her eyes.

"I hope so, but first, we need to discuss your final project."

Pearl straightened up in her seat and opened her notebook. She pressed her pencil to the paper, ready to take notes.

"This project is due in two weeks, on the fifth. It is worth a quarter of your grade-"

Pearl wrote Agate's words down.

"This project should be easy for you so I better not see a single one of you fail. You will be working in groups-"

Pearl's heart stopped.

"Your job is to create a two-minute short film based on what you learned. The movie doesn't need to be perfect since none of you are art students, but it needs to contain what you've learned-"

_Oh no._

This couldn't be happening.

_This class was so easy! How could this be happening?!_

Professor Agate passed around sheets of paper. Pearl noticed that it was detailing the requirements to pass the final project. She stopped taking notes a long time ago and it felt as if some hazy cloud was suffocating her. Her chest was tight and she was only capable of taking quick, shallow breaths. Agate continued on, but it all seemed like babble to her.

"-And that wraps up the assignment. Your assigned groups will be put up next class. Now, onto the quiz."

Pearl's mind jolted back to reality. _Quiz. Right..._ Not feeling so hot, Pearl slowly picked up her pencil as the quizzes got passed down the class. The paper landed on her desk and she tried her best to focus. But Pearl couldn't help but get gnawed by something she never thought she'd feel in this class:

Fear that she wouldn't pass with perfect A's after all.

\--

Lapis breathed softly as she sunk her hair into the cold water of the tub. Feeling the water gradually go from warm to cold always kept Lapis occupied on boring days like this. She hadn’t gotten a single hit in her freelancing job at all today. Not that she really liked writing anyway…guess it’ll be her day off. She should take her online classes but she wasn’t in the mood.

She didn’t keep track of the time to know how long she’d been in the water. But when her stomach grumbled for about the fifth time since she was in there, she decided it was time to get out.

 _Alright, fine,_ she griped to her own body.

After drying off and changing into her clothes, Lapis drifted to the kitchen. She grabbed a strawberry pop tart from the pantry and threw it into the toaster. She leaned against the counter as she waited for her lunch, and her roommate entered the room, wearing boxers and a tacky alien shirt that was two sizes too large for her.

“The fish is out of water,” Peridot said.

Lapis rolled her eyes. “Is that another thing Amethyst jokes about me?” If there was one thing she knew about Peridot, it was that 90% of her jokes imitated the purple-haired friend of that nerd.

“What? No. I made it up myself…” Peridot said.

“Well thanks for the roast then,” Lapis said.

“You’re welcome?”

Lapis snorted a laugh. Her laughter got interrupted by the toaster going off. She picked up the steaming pop tart and dropped it on a paper plate.

“That’s your lunch?”

“Yeah.”

“After observing the food you’ve eaten this week, I really believe you should seriously consume a meal that contains proper nutrition- HEY, IS THAT MY POP TART?”

“You don’t even eat them,” she said with a mouth full of it. “And remember when you said I could have them?”

“…No?”

“It was at 3 AM a couple nights ago when I wanted an early morning snack.”

“Lapis, I was half-asleep!”

“Fine, here, take it.” She handed Peridot the pop tart with a bite in it.

Peridot held her hands up. “Uh…wow, thanks, but you can keep it…I guess.”

Lapis headed over to the living room and sunk into the couch. She spread her legs rather crudely for somebody in a skirt, and kicked her feet up on the coffee table. She finished up her pop tart as Peridot followed her in.

“If you are eating my stuff, that usually means you need to get groceries,” Peridot pointed out.

“I’ll give you money,” Lapis said.

Peridot twiddled her fingers. “Well…actually…” she began, averting her gaze to the floor. “Well, you see, exams are coming up and…”

“I’ll just hold out on the pop tarts until exams are over and I’ll give you money for a new box of them, then.”

“Lapis…no…what I’m trying to say is…”

Lapis glared. “What?”

“Never mind.”

“No. Really, what?”

“I don’t want to upset you. This was a stupid idea…”

“Peridot, just tell me!”

“I believe you should go to the store this time.”

Lapis froze. "What?”

“It’s just with these exams and my job, I don’t think I can do these shopping trips every time.”

“Peridot...you know I can't!"

"I knew I shouldn't have told you."

"Why would you even suggest that? The real reason?"

"Because…I hate seeing the way you take care of yourself! You don't eat right, you don't have fun, you're slowly killing yourself-"

A dark shadow casted over Lapis's face. "Then maybe I _should_ kill myself."

"Lapis!"

"Just leave me alone!" Lapis stormed to her feet.

"I don't want to leave you alone after you just said that!" Peridot cried back.

"I'm not doing anything today. Just get out of my face-"

"Today?! What's that supposed to mean, that you're going to do it tomorrow-?!"

Lapis didn't say anything. She ran to her room and slammed the door.

\--

After finishing up her classes for the day, Pearl began her long walk back to her dorm. She opened the door to find her roommate sitting at a desk, with her large frame looming over a paper and book. Jasper looked up.

“Hey,” Jasper said.

“Hello…” Pearl murmured softly. Bowing her head, she carefully walked to her side of the room and placed her backpack down. She sat at her own desk and removed the folder from her backpack that had her assignments.

Her back prickled when she heard Jasper shift from behind her. “Hey, uh…” Jasper began.

“Mmn?” Pearl turned around.

“You took Algebra 103, yeah?”

Pearl nodded.

“Can you help me?”

Pearl stood up and walked to Jasper’s side.

“What the fuck is this supposed to be?” She pointed at an upside-down “U”.

“Intersection,” Pearl murmured.

“What the hell is that again? God, this review is killing me. Math always does.”

“It means ‘and’ in sets…” She pointed at the example problem on Jasper’s page. “Since A intersects B, it means…the numbers that the two sets share…will be the answer.” The words struggled to leave Pearl’s mouth. She may not be as mute as she was a couple of years ago, but that didn’t make it any better.

“So four and seven?”

Pearl nodded.

“Thanks. Thank God you came in here just now. I was so fucking stuck on that problem.”

Pearl’s lips twitched in a coy smile and she walked back to her desk.

 _So rare to see Jasper,_ Pearl mused quietly. Usually Jasper was out late for wrestling practice, or hanging out with Bismuth and Topaz. Jasper rarely ever studied here; only to sleep.

The two remained quiet, with the only sounds being the occasional page turning or pencil on paper. There was also the quaint-sounding music emitting from Jasper’s phone. Pearl overheard Jasper talking about the music with Bismuth- the genre of it was called “Jawaiian”- a mixture of Hawaiian melodies with Reggae. Jasper said it was relaxing, but Pearl found its beats and sappy, occasionally raunchy lyrics to be…distracting. That’s why Pearl plugged in her own headphones and turned on some classical music to drown out the cheesy song about loving an “island girl”.

Not to mention, the ukulele always had a tendency to remind Pearl of…a certain someone. A bitter taste formed in her mouth at just the merest thought.

After working on homework for a while, Pearl’s phone vibrated. She picked it up and let out a small, exasperated sigh when she found the text was from her mother.

**I found a handsome boy who is single and is looking for a beautiful girl to love. He is the son of my boss and attends medical school. He lives in your hometown and I already arranged a date for you and him when you return here for the summer.**

It took every atom of control in Pearl’s body to not smash the phone between her fingers and to chuck the remains to the wall. She typed back with fingers that quavered in frustration.

**Cancel the date and tell him I’m not interested.**

She roughly set the phone to silent and smacked it on the table as far away from her as she could reach. She was not in the mood for an argument with Mother right now.

 _How many times does she have to do this?_ Pearl moaned to herself. Her mother was completely aware that Pearl was gay. She knew Mother’s reaction would be a negative one ever since coming out a day after high school graduation. It became an onslaught of “you’re just confused”, “you never even dated a boy before”, “you just need to find the Perfect One” ever since.

 _At least she didn’t disown you,_ Pearl scolded herself. _It could be worse._ Maybe rejecting that her daughter was attracted to women was a good thing.

The worst Mother did after Pearl came out was making absolutely sure Pearl couldn’t be roommates with her friends. _“They’re tainting your mind and I don’t want you to have some sick lesbian orgy,”_ her mother had said. Pearl fired back with _“Just because one of them likes women doesn’t mean we’re going to have an orgy.”_ But her mother refused to listen.

As a result, her mother forced Pearl to continue living in the dorms. She forced Pearl to take far above the amount of credits required to be a full time student, or else she wouldn’t pay for Pearl’s classes. Pearl became financially reliant on Mother, and because of having so many classes on her plate, she couldn’t have a job to afford rent somewhere off campus. It all seemed to go well in Mother’s plan, but joke’s on her. The roommate Pearl ended up with was a lesbian too…and a hefty, butch lesbian at that.

Pearl really wanted to let Jasper know that she was a lesbian as well. Not to necessarily hit on her (but to be honest, Jasper was quite attractive), but just to be her friend. Jasper was an unlikely friend but she seemed like a good one to have…she was tough and fun and loyal and enjoyed laughing at the fighting techniques in action movies.

No matter how much Pearl was dying to get to know Jasper, to open up to her, or to join in on the critiques of action movies, Pearl’s words remained constricted in her throat and refused to leave her mouth. And now the semester was coming to a close.

 _She might get creeped out,_ Pearl would always tell herself. _She might not want to room with another lesbian. It’s pointless to open up. And it’s too late to develop a friendship with her._

And so their only interactions was Jasper asking for help on her homework…whenever she was around, of course.

After finishing up her homework, she pulled out the paper Professor Agate had given her. She read over it, as a blanket of nausea-inducing haze fell over her. The rules included “an overview of which chapter you’re assigned to”, “everyone must appear and talk in the video”, etc. Pearl felt like she was going to throw up.

She could barely talk to a cashier. How could she talk in a video? _For the whole class to see?_

\--

It had been a few hours since Lapis ran off to her room. She didn’t do much. She simply laid there on her bed and sulked, but she didn’t care. She hugged her dolphin plush and planted her face on her ocean-themed comforter, with her blue hair swept over her face.

Why did she have to say that? Maybe she was being petty for being upset at Peridot, but she was upset. That was so uncalled for. Peridot knew why Lapis never got out of the house.

Her mind drifted back to the few instances where she and Peridot had sat on the couch together. Peridot’s arm around her and murmuring sweet nothings and guiding Lapis to breathe, just because Lapis had a panic attack for stepping outside. And the other instance where Lapis was caught with a noose tied up in the closet, with her standing there, contemplating if she should put it around her neck. After being forced to talk to a suicide hotline, Lapis sat on the couch with Peridot after, explaining why she tried to do it. About how it’s the same fucking shit every day, being stuck in the house and being unable to leave it no matter how much she was dying to just…live. And how she’d rather be dead than live like a zombie.

White-hot anger boiled up in her again, and her grip tightened around the dolphin and she chucked it at the door. It bounced off and landed softly on the ground. Just then, a gentle knock was heard.

“Lapis?”

Lapis glared. “What?”

“Can I come in?”

“No.”

“I’m going to make dinner eventually. What do you want?”

 _Great. She’s trying to be nice to me._ Lapis shrugged. “Whatever,” she said.

“I’ll make spaghetti with meatballs then.”

“’Kay.”

“But you gotta let me in first!”

“I don’t give in that easily.”

“Please? Pleeaaaseee???? Please please please please please-”

Lapis huffed in annoyance and kicked herself off the bed. She unlocked and opened the door. “What is it?”

Peridot looked at the ground. “I just wanted…to apologize…for my behavior. I know you have trouble leaving the house but I got frustrated, and it wasn’t right.”

Lapis sighed and looked away.

“You don’t need to forgive me or anything. I just wanted to inform you.”

“I’m over it, Peridot,” Lapis lied, but she kept her voice soft for her. “I just need some alone time now.”

“Do you want to make an art project with me?”

“Maybe tomorrow. Not tonight.” Lapis closed the door.

As soon as she heard Peridot’s footsteps fade away, Lapis sighed. She trudged back to her bed, and hesitantly, she peeped through the curtains to get a view of Beach City. Luckily, she couldn’t see any mirrors from this high up. Cars rumbled below and past the buildings was the ocean, glimmering in the sunset. Lapis reached out to touch it, as if that would bring the ocean closer to her.

To think she was so close to the ocean, but so far.

_I’ll never go to the ocean…will I?_

As soon as that thought entered her mind, she headed straight to the bathroom. She turned on the shower and got herself back in. It didn’t matter if she had already been in there that day. She let the water drops pelt against her back as hot tears rolled down her face. She cried, letting the sound of the shower drown out her sobs.


	2. Mirror Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: fatphobia, homophobic slurs, and ableism in this chapter

The sunrise casted its light into the dorm. Pearl blinked her eyes open and stretched, and the smell of coffee wafted to her nose.

Pearl looked to the side to see Jasper sipping coffee in bed, while her face was buried in a textbook. She must have stopped at the lounge and grabbed a cup and came back here, because this dorm did not have a coffee maker.

 _Did she even go to bed?_ Pearl couldn’t help but wonder. Pearl definitely fell asleep when Jasper’s light was still on. There was an opened energy drink on the desk.

 _While it’s great to see you studying, Jasper, you should truly consider your health as well,_ Pearl wanted to lecture. _Good grades and a healthy body will go hand in hand and you need that balance; not just during sports seasons._

It took a few moments for Jasper to notice that Pearl had woken up. “Oh, hey,” she said. “Sorry. I hope I didn’t wake you up with my page turning.”

 _Is that supposed to be a joke?_ Pearl couldn’t tell. It was a bit funny, but…should she laugh? Or would that just embarrass herself? It seemed too late to make a decision, however, because Jasper continued.

“Do you care if I stay in here today? It’s nice and quiet in here and Bismuth and Topaz are so shitty to study with.”

Pearl nodded.

“Thanks. But if I drive you crazy, just let me know,” Jasper added with a smile.

 _Of course you won’t bother me,_ Pearl wanted to say. “It’s alright,” she whispered instead. She headed to the bathroom to change. As soon as she closed the door, she wanted to kick herself.

 _Why did I say “it’s alright”?!_ Pearl cried to herself. She silently repressed a cringe-filled wail. It sounded really unenthusiastic…she really hoped she didn’t make Jasper feel unwelcome in her own dorm.

Pearl quickly threw on a yellow skirt and turquoise blouse, and brushed and styled her short, strawberry blonde hair. She added a touch of makeup, nothing to garner up too much attention, but enough to cover the flaws on her face, and then she left the bathroom.

After throwing her purse over her shoulder, Pearl left the dorm. The walk to the cafeteria wasn’t very long, but she had to walk outside on her way to the other building. Only at hours like this was there no weight on top of her, nor did her guts twist or her muscles tense. Nobody was outside at all today. Just her and the chilly morning air and fog. She took a deep breath, just to seep it in.

 _How strange. I crave company but feel so amazing when I’m alone like this._ It was a very ironic curse.

Her peaceful walk came to an end when she reached the cafeteria building. She walked inside and instinctively kept her eyes glued to the floor as she headed towards the fruit bar. She didn’t know if Jasper had eaten during her coffee run, so Pearl figured a light snack would have to do, just in case.

_Perhaps if I give her a snack it will appear I do not hate her._

Pearl figured that an orange would be a good snack, so she grabbed that for Jasper. She made herself a bowl of strawberries.

“Holy shit, P, is that you?”

“Hm?” Pearl looked over her shoulder. She relaxed when she realized it was only Amethyst.

“Oh. Hello, Amethyst,” Pearl said, in a tone that was completely normal and not soft-spoken. Amethyst was one of the very few people Pearl was able to get this way with. She had known Amethyst since senior year in high school, when she was still friends with Rose, who introduced Amethyst to her. Although they had nothing in common with one another, Pearl supposed their shared friendship with Rose at the time helped them to click.

“It’s been ages since we last hung out,” Amethyst said. She set her enormous plate of food down and added a couple bananas and a yogurt to her pile.

“Well, I do take twenty-one credits,” Pearl said.

“Your mom is batshit, dude.”

“I know,” Pearl sighed.

"Ya know, if I knew your mom would've pulled that 'don't get a job and don't move in with Amethyst and Garnet shit', I would've totally pulled the Well Behaved Straight Girl act for her."

"It's alright," Pearl said. "I'm 20 years old. I don't need to keep secrets from her anymore."

"I guess."

“So what have you been up to?”

Amethyst huffed. "Ugh. Work. I miss my party days, man. The restaurant promoted me to supervisor-"

"Supervisor?" Pearl said, eyes wide. "Amethyst, that's a good thing!"

Amethyst shrugged. "It was outta desperation, really." She smiled. "But I do get a better pay. And I'm getting trained for it. Ick. Remember when I hated responsibility? Turns out I gotta kick that side o' me outta the door."

"Well responsibility is important, Amethyst."

"Meh, it was bound to happen. I'm officially becoming a fucking adult."

"It happens," Pearl said.

"Yup. You gotta enjoy your youth while you have it, P. Soon you'll become a slave to work and have no social life heh."

“That doesn't sound too bad,” Pearl said, trying to hide the fact that she felt in the dust socially. “How are you feeling about exams?”

Amethyst shrugged. “I’ll just wing it like I always do.”

Pearl scowled. “Well…I wish you luck, I suppose…”

“So what’s up with you?”

“Working on my straight A’s,” Pearl said. She thought about the anthropology assignment and sighed.

“You good?”

“It’s this assignment I have…” Pearl said. “I have…to make this short film.”

Amethyst’s eyes brightened. “A short film?! Awesome!”

“No it’s not,” Pearl said. She held herself. “I don’t…know if I can do it.”

Amethyst’s face fell. “Because of your panic attacks?”

Pearl nodded slowly.

“Maybe you can be behind the scenes! The camera gal.”

“Everyone has to appear and talk in the video.”

“Oh shit.”

“I agree,” Pearl muttered.

Amethyst patted her back. “Pearl. Lemme just get real with you. Everyone is insecure…and I can bet my whole life savings that everyone in that class is gonna be scared about putting their asses on camera. Even me, the girl who drunk-twirked on camera and got put into a cringe comp on YouTube, would be scared too.”

“Thanks, Amethyst,” Pearl said. She knew Amethyst’s words should make her feel better, but Pearl’s heard it all the time. _Everyone is insecure, everyone worries about themselves, you just gotta get yourself out there and pretend you’re not insecure._ Pearl was aware of that, but even so, that didn’t change how shy Pearl was.

Nobody had a hard time spitting out words, or expressing emotions, or raising their voices, as much as Pearl did. And certainly not everybody had a tendency to isolate themselves the way Pearl did either. She absolutely loathed the way she isolated herself. She wanted to talk to people, she really did, but just the mere thought of going up and saying “hi” to somebody had her stomach churning and her lungs collapsing on themselves.

But Pearl didn’t want to argue with it. She knew that Amethyst was just trying to cheer her up, so she pasted on a tight smile. “I’ll try,” she said weakly.

“That’s the spirit,” Amethyst said. “And you know what helps loosening me up when I really need it? Alcohol.”

Pearl furrowed her brow. “You were being rather inspirational until you brought up alcohol.”

“I’m just saying. That shit’s like magic, dude.”

“I most certainly will not resort to something so foolish,” Pearl said. “Not to mention, I don’t want to get tipsy in front of my teacher.”

“Go big or go home, girl.”

Pearl rolled her eyes.

“So what are you up to?”

“I will be taking my marketing and strategic management classes, and will be studying for my upcoming exams,” Pearl said matter-of-factly. She paused. "After exams, would you like to spend time together? It has been quite some time."

Amethyst rubbed the back of her neck. "Yeeaaah, about that..." she began. "When summer break hits, I'm gonna be working _a lot_. And I mean a lot. Now that I'm a supervisor, I basically gotta do a lot of double shifts."

"I see," Pearl murmured quietly. She clapped her hands together and feigned happiness. "Well, it's great to see you gaining more responsibility."

"I'm sorry, man. Trust me, I fuckin' hate it, but I gotta pay the bills somehow so...yeah..." Amethyst said. "But if I got any gaps in my schedule, I'll definitely look into it."

"Alright. Just don't feel obligated to," Pearl said.

"Anyway, I gotta get going before this line gets long. I’m starved,” Amethyst said, glancing at the door. A few students were starting to filter inside. Pearl’s cheeks flushed after realizing she’d been talking in her regular voice in front of people.

“Oh my,” Pearl said, face hot. “I didn’t realize how long we’ve been in here.”

“Wanna buy our shit and then we can part ways?”

Pearl and Amethyst went in line together and purchased their food. They both exited the cafeteria, and Pearl waved goodbye and headed back to her dorm.

Pearl opened the door to her room and paused. She looked around. Jasper’s bed and desk were empty, and the bathroom was unoccupied too. Pearl’s shoulders fell.

Well regardless, she did take a trip to give her food, so food was what Jasper was going to get. Pearl simply placed the orange on top her bed.

 _Now enough thinking about this, Pearl,_ Pearl told herself. _I need to get ready for class._

Class started in thirty minutes, but the walk would take about ten. Pearl rushed to pack her necessary books for the day, wolfed down her strawberries, and then headed out.

\--

After Peridot walked down to the bus stop, Lapis finally felt safe enough to leave her room.

She stepped into the kitchen and toasted another one of Peridot’s pop tarts. She lazed into one of the dining table’s chairs, and her eyes moved to a yellow sticky note sitting on the refrigerator. _That’s new,_ Lapis thought.

_If you aren’t feeling good, call me, and then call this number below mine:_

Two numbers were scrawled on the bottom of the sticky note. Both of which Lapis recognized. The first one was Peridot’s number.

The next one was the suicide hotline’s number.

“Ah. Geez,” Lapis said aloud. She ran fingers through her hair and her face flushed with embarrassment. “She really takes this seriously, huh?”

Her eyes drifted down to a pink note at the bottom of the yellow one.

 _Your life is worth living!_ A poorly drawn thumbs up was sketched in the corner. Lapis buried her face in her hands and groaned.

 _Why did I have to tell her about killing myself?_  Now Peridot was freaking out.

Despite the amount of shame and embarrassment Lapis felt whenever Peridot coddled her like this…she had to admit, she was grateful too somewhat. Somewhere, deep down beneath the flustered emotions that spun around within Lapis, she was grateful to have a roommate like Peridot. If it weren’t for Peridot checking in on Lapis frequently and keeping her busy with art projects and forcing her into watching silly teen dramas with her, Lapis would have likely clocked out of life long ago.

The sound of the toaster snapped her out of her thoughts. Lapis grabbed her confection and carried it back to her room. She plopped into her computer chair and checked her email, and to no surprise at all, there was still no fucking freelance offers for her.

Lapis sunk her teeth into the pop tart and tore off a piece.

“Of fucking course,” Lapis said through a mouth full.

Her phone buzzed.

Lapis checked her phone. To her surprise, it was her cousin, Aquamarine.

**Aqua: Hey lapis how r u**

Lapis scowled. Since when did Aquamarine ever want to talk to her? But she typed back.

**Lapis: good**

The typing symbol appeared and a new text from Aqua popped up.

**Aqua: What have you been up to? Its been years**

**Lapis: i ghost write for a living. most of it is gross porn from desperate pig commissioners. and im in college. u?**

**Aqua: Ew…  
Aqua: I’m in college as well!**

**Lapis: cool**

**Aqua: Where do u go? :)**

**Lapis: delmarva university**

**Aqua: Omg!!!! I go there too!**

Lapis moaned to herself. Whelp.

**Aqua: Would you like to meet for a coffee sometime?**

**Lapis: i take online classes**

**Aqua: That’s too bad. Theres so many clowns on this campus its unreal. Want to see something hilarious?**

**Lapis: sure**

Something loaded and a picture popped up. Lapis could tell the photo was taken from inside a backpack, as if the photographer was hiding the fact they were taking a photo. It appeared to be a cafeteria setting, and shown three women sitting together at a table. They were all rather big in size. One had a buzz cut and wore a jacket, and another girl had rainbow hair and wore flannel, and the other one was…

Lapis’s heart jolted. What the fuck…was that Jasper?!

 **Aqua: Just look how fat these dykes are  
** **Aqua: Well at least the long haired one has muscle mass, but she could be much leaner**

**Lapis: wow**

**Aqua: You want to know something even funnier?**

**Lapis: wut**

**Aqua: You know how the buzz cut one is eating an omelet? Well I have a friend who’s a chef in this cafeteria and I got him to minimize the portion for her. It’s half the size it normally is and she’s eating it right now. Serves her right for unhealthily eating that every morning.  
** **Aqua: I hope she loses weight. Actually, I hope all of them do. They’re so ugly.**

**Lapis: i dunno she seems p hot to me**

**Aqua: Ew**

**Lapis: im fingering my hot sopping pussy as we speak while i fantasize about them in some steamy butch lesbian threesome**

**Aqua: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!**

**Lapis: u know the long haired one? she gives the best handjobs**

**Aqua: If youre trying to be funny it isn’t working  
** **Aqua: I am very grossed out right now**

**Lapis: i’m not joking**  
**Lapis: at least not the long haired girl part**  
**Lapis: she used to date me  
** **Lapis: we fucked like it was mating season**

**Aqua: Ugh I should’ve known not to contact you  
** **Aqua: You’re sick. You always have been**

 **Lapis: tru**  
**Lapis: but u know what? youre even more fucked up for taking pics of these girls**  
**Lapis: seriously no sane person judges people the way you do**  
**Lapis: let ppl be themselves and live their lives. who fucking cares fat they are i mean seriously, and why would u do that in the first place? get a life already  
** **Lapis: you havent changed at all. i bet you haven’t hit ur growth spurt yet either**

**Aqua: Changed at all? Says the person we never saw again after going psycho mode at the store lol**  
**Aqua: I can tell you’re still nuts  
** **Aqua: Mirror Girl**

**Lapis: mirror girl?**

**Aqua: We talked about you  
** **Aqua: There were rumors you went to an insane asylum. Some even joked you got trapped in the mirrors**  
**Aqua: “I DON’T WANNA GO BACK IN THE MIRRORS” I still remember you screaming that**

**Lapis: if i ever run into u irl ill personally send u to hell**

**Aqua: Lol. You rlly are a psychopath still  
** **Aqua: Do you really believe your petty threats can intimidate me?**  
**Aqua: You better be in a mental hospital**  
**Aqua: Like mother like daughter lol**

**Lapis: rlly? ur bringing my mother into this?  
Lapis: go to hell**

**Aqua: Why are you being so rude and gross to me? :(  
Aqua: I just wanted to catch up with my bigger cousin.**

**Lapis: NO U WERENT!!!!  
** **Lapis: dont u DARE try to manipulate me. i can see right through ur shit**  
**Lapis: u just wanted to catch up w/ me so u could find out where i was this whole time i disappeared**  
**Lapis: ur exploiting me for ur stupid family gossip**  
**Lapis: well guess what? i disowned all of u and im never talking to u again**

**Aqua: Would you just calm down**

**Lapis: dont reach me ever again**

Lapis fiddled with her phone until she found the block button, and she blocked Aquamarine’s number. She doubled over on the desk and clutched tightly onto her hair in frustration.

Aquamarine was a bitch, but there was one thing she was right about: Lapis was fucked up. Lapis was just like her mom. There was no denying of it. The proof was all over herself. She ruined everything she touched. First she rubbed it all over Jasper, now she was rubbing it all over Peridot.

Her thoughts flashed back to the picture Aqua showed her. At least Jasper looked happy now. That was good. At least she didn’t ruin Jasper.

But all of a sudden, anger swelled up and filled her to the brim at the thought that Jasper was happy. Why did Jasper get to live her life when Lapis didn’t?! Once that thought came to mind, she fluctuated back into hating herself.

 _WORTHLESS BITCH!!_ she screamed at herself. _WORTHLESS FUCKING BITCH!!!!_

Of course she’d be upset that someone, who she nearly ruined, would be happy. Because she was an irredeemable bitch.

\--

Tuesdays were Pearl’s favorite days because they had the least classes. It was a couple hours till noon when she finished up her classes for the morning, and she headed back to her dorm to study.

She was just about to turn to her building when someone snapped her out of it.

“Sup, Pearl!”

Pearl jumped and whipped around. She calmed down when she noticed it was only Amethyst. She held onto her chest dramatically. “My God, Amethyst, you scared me.”

“Sorry,” Amethyst said. “I saw you and I couldn’t resist. Guess we keep running into each other. Where are you headed?”

“My dorm to study,” Pearl said.

Amethyst chortled. “Nerd.”

“Yes?” a nasally voice asked.

“No, not you. But you’re a nerd too,” Amethyst added to a girl at her side. Pearl didn’t even notice that the girl right next to them was with Amethyst until now. She was a short girl with short, blonde hair and green eyes, and she wore glasses, a generic tee-shirt, and jeans. She also wore a ridiculous red bow tie, very unfitting for her shirt.

Pearl froze up immediately.

“Oh yeah, I don’t think I introduced her to you. This is Peridot,” Amethyst said, gesturing to her friend. “She’s an enormous nerd like you.”

“H-hello…” Pearl murmured, giving a small wave.

“And that’s Pearl,” Amethyst told Peridot, gesturing to Pearl.

“Nice to meet you, Pearl,” Peridot said, giving a clumsy, awkward bow.

“You too…” Pearl whispered.

“Me an’ Pdot just finished computer class. What’re you up to, P?”

“Nothing…” Pearl whispered. She coughed and blushed. “I-I-I mean…studying…”

“Hey, wanna go to the library with us?”

Pearl’s cheeks went from slightly pink to full on red. She fidgeted and looked away. _What should I say?_ she asked herself, feeling her skin prickle with discomfort. _Will turning them down be rude? But what if I embarrass myself in front of Amethyst’s friend?_ All of a sudden, her stomach started to hurt, and she was shaking embarrassingly too. Her voice quavered as if she were about to cry. “A-a-actually, maybe I should…”

Peridot’s phone rang.

 _Oh thank God._ Peridot picked up the phone and the attention was reverted from her immediately. Pearl relaxed slightly.

“Hello?” Peridot asked. “Lapis? Wait…you did what?! Why would you do that? Actually, just explain later. Stay right where you are! I’ll be right there.” She hung up. “Crap, I have to go!”

“What’s up?” Amethyst said.

“It’s Lapis. She’s having…another moment…actually, I’ll explain later! I have to go!” She waved and ran off.

Pearl took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. “Lapis?” she asked Amethyst.

Amethyst sighed. “Peridot’s roommate,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Girl’s got a load of problems. I don’t know a whole lot about it. All I know is that Peridot worries about her and that she has no social life and never leaves the house.”

“Never leaves her house, huh?”

“Yup. She’s got that…what’s that shit called? Agoro…”

“Agoraphobia,” Pearl said. “It is the fear of places that may cause discomfort to the sufferer. Common myth is it’s the fear of going outside, however, only some cases are so bad that people avoid leaving the house. In reality, they’re just avoiding the situations that may trigger panic attacks, such as crowds or public transit.”

“Uh…whatever you said,” Amethyst said.

 _I wonder what she’s afraid about…_ Pearl wondered.

\--

After the moment with Amethyst and Peridot, Pearl finally returned to her dorm. She trudged over to her bed and laid on top of it. She allowed herself to decompress for a moment.

Now that she had a clear head, Peridot didn’t seem threatening at all. In that moment, however, it had felt like such. But now Peridot just seemed like an honest-to-God nerd, and a very awkward one at that. She wore a bow-tie with a _tee-shirt_ for star’s sake!

Not to mention…Peridot had an agoraphobic roommate. Surely Peridot would understand Pearl as well…right?

 _It’s alright,_ Pearl tried to comfort herself. _She wasn’t offended by you today. Relax, Pearl. Next time, don’t be afraid of her._

She couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to make Peridot leave. Was her roommate okay?

Pearl bolted up when the door opened.

“That omelet didn’t fill me up at all,” a soft, familiar voice said. Three hefty women entered the dorm with Jasper leading the way. “Usually it does but it didn’t today for some reason.”

“Maybe you’re starting your period?” the one with the rainbow dreads, Bismuth, asked. “I’m always hungry before mine.”

“I have no idea,” Topaz said. “It looked kind of small too.”

The three girls crowded inside. Topaz sat at the desk while Jasper and Bismuth sat on the edge of the bed.

Most people were afraid of Jasper, Bismuth, and Topaz. All three of them were tall, heavily built, had a reputation in their respective sports, and not to mention hanging out together gave the vibe that they were in some intimidating gang. But Pearl had been around them enough to know better.

They were just like any other friend group that had fun and studied together. They kept to themselves and respected others, though (unfortunately) they could be a rowdy bunch at times. Well...everyone except Topaz. Despite her large size and intimidating expressions and buzz cut, Topaz had the softest, cutest voice, and she was so gentle and sweet to everyone she was around. She was also studying to be a veterinarian, and she loved to gush about her foster kittens. Pearl would never admit it but Topaz was her favorite visitor to this dorm.

“Huh?” Jasper reached from behind her. “Ho, what’s this?” She pulled her arm back and stared at the orange in her hand. “Where did this come from?”

“You’ve been sleepwalking, Jasper?” Bismuth joked.

“No!” Jasper shot back. “I literally have no idea where this came from though.”

“You sleepwalked for an orange,” Bismuth said.

“I sleepwalked _one time_ and ate toothpaste but that doesn’t mean I’d do it again. And besides, oranges taste like shit with toothpaste.”

“Don’t you like stuff that tastes like shit anyway, Jasper?”

“Oh shut up. Did anyone put this here?”

“I didn’t…” Topaz said.

Pearl swallowed. “I…”

The girls continued to banter. Their voices were too loud; there was no way Pearl could get overheard. Pearl swallowed, bracing herself, and got up. She gently tapped Jasper on the shoulder.

“Sup, Pearl,” Jasper said.

Pearl’s face was hotter than the sun. “I put it there,” she quavered. She hurried back to her side of the room and sat on the bed. If she was sweating, it would probably be steaming off her.

Jasper’s eyes brightened. “You did? Thanks, Pearl!” she said. “You just won my heart with this orange.”

“Can I have it?” Topaz asked.

“What?! What makes you think you deserve it? Pearl gave this to _me,_ ” Jasper said.

“Oh c’mon, I’m still hungry,” Topaz said.

“Arm wrestle me for it.”

“No way, you’re going to win like you always do!” Topaz shot back.

“You’re a dick, Jasper,” Bismuth put in.

Jasper kissed her biceps. “Your fault for not having guns as good as mine,” she said. “Nah nah, here, take it.” She tossed Topaz the orange. She turned to Pearl. “You okay with Topaz taking my present?”

Pearl nodded.

“You better enjoy that fucking orange,” Jasper said to Topaz.

“Don’t worry, I will,” Topaz said.

“Also you guys better focus on studying, got it? Or I’m not letting you in this dorm again until exams are over.”

“Alright, alright,” Bismuth said.

Trying to ignore their talking, Pearl opened a book and decided to cut herself some slack for a bit. She tried to push down every feeling of anxiety she felt about that upcoming assignment. Tomorrow, when she goes to that anthropology class, will be something new, but for now, she’ll cherish this day before her two weeks of hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter got cranked out fast cuz i was sick and didnt have other shit to do. hope u enjoyed.


	3. Emails

_Well…today’s the day…_

Pearl began her long, miserable walk to her anthropology class. Students passed her by absentmindedly, unaware of the problems she was about to face. As she was on her way, her mind raced with regrets.

_Why did I choose this class as my extra credit? There were so many classes to choose from. If only I knew this would require a short film._

_Oh, shut up, Pearl,_ she fired back at herself. _You are going to toughen up and do this assignment. You’ve survived group projects before. You can stand to at least mutter one sentence on camera if that’s enough to pass this assignment._

At long, unwanted last, Pearl finally reached the classroom. She was fifteen minutes early as usual, so that she could relax for a bit before class could begin. She walked inside and spotted a paper taped to the chalk board.

“Hm.” Approaching the paper to get a better look, Pearl’s eyes ran over it. The paper featured a list of students’ names, grouped under labels such as “Group 1”, “Group 2”, “Group 3”, etc. No matter how many times she reread it, she couldn’t find her name anywhere.

The door opened. Pearl’s eyes ripped away from the paper, only to meet with the teacher walking in.

“Hello, Pearl,” Agate said.

“Hello…” Pearl whispered, giving a tiny wave.

“I expected you’d be here early. I would like to talk to you.”

Pearl’s heart sank. Feeling a bit pale, she nodded and followed the professor to the desk slowly.

Agate sat down in her seat. “I know you have…some issues regarding talking to people,” she began.

“I’m sorry…” Pearl murmured.

“I’m sure you’ve looked over the paper already. If you haven’t, you haven’t been put into any of the groups.”

Pearl nodded.

“However, that doesn’t mean you are free from doing this assignment. You still need to make a short film and you still need to work in a group project,” Agate said. Pearl’s shoulders fell, but Agate continued. “But I’ll go easy on you, along with another girl that needs to do this assignment.”

“Another girl?” Pearl whispered.

Agate sat back in her seat. “Yes,” she said. “She’s taking one of my online courses. Normally I wouldn’t allow an online student to work with my students on campus, but she needs the grade and I’m giving her a chance. This is where you would come in.”

“I would…be paired with her?” Pearl guessed.

Agate nodded. “Yes. It would only be you and her, so it shouldn’t be overwhelming. I will go easy on you two, but you need to make sure you still follow the requirements to pass.”

A wave of relief washed over Pearl. “Th…thank you, professor.”

Agate waved it off. “You are the best student I have in this class,” she said. “Just try not to be so shy, okay? You can go a long way if you aren’t.”

“Alright…” Pearl murmured.

She pulled out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. “She agreed to give you her school email,” Agate said. She finished writing on the paper and handed it to Pearl. “When you have the time, I would like you to email her about the assignment. She lives in town, so working with her should be easy.”

Pearl nodded and took the paper. She looked at it and her eyebrows rose. _Is that…?_

_LapisLazuli@delmarva.edu_

_Lapis…?_ Could it be the same Lapis as the one mentioned yesterday?

“We are going to cover the final chapter for today’s class. When it’s time to work on the assignment, you may use the time to work on your homework,” Agate said.

Pearl tucked the paper in her pocket. “Thank you, Professor.” She headed to her desk.

\--

_One day earlier…_

It took half an hour after Lapis called Peridot before Peridot ran up to her. The door knob quavered as Peridot struggled to open the door, and then she burst forth.

“Lapis!” Peridot said.

Lapis looked away. She kept her back facing Peridot. She was on the roof of the apartment, and stared down at the city below her. Cars looked like bugs from this high, but that was the way Lapis liked it. She liked the idea of being high up; of even flying. Of not feeling small, of feeling freedom to escape. She hated being vulnerable, and flying seemed to take that away. If only she could just sprout wings and soar away.

Peridot inched forward slowly. “Lapis…c’mon…let’s get you back inside.”

“It’s strange,” Lapis murmured.

“Hm?”

“It’s strange that I’m okay up here, but I’m not down there.”

“I know,” Peridot said quietly. She grabbed Lapis’s hand. “But we’ll get in trouble up here. Remember those acrylics I bought last week? Let’s use them?”

“Can we just…stay up here longer?”

Peridot sighed. “Lapis…” She was about to say something else, but her voice drained out. Lapis knew what it was. Peridot was afraid to voice her opinion. _It’s not safe up here. Why are you up here?_ was probably the words Peridot was dying to say.

She’d observed how Peridot was with Amethyst, and Peridot was much snarkier with her than she’d ever be with Lapis. Lapis almost wished Peridot would be the same way with her too. She wanted Peridot to snap at her; to throw insults and sarcasm at her, but Peridot always held herself back around Lapis. Lapis hated being treated like she was weak and sensitive.

Lapis shook her hand free from Peridot’s grip. “I…I need to be up here,” she said. “I’ll be okay. Just give me a moment.”

“I…suppose I understand. But don’t get any closer to the edge.”

Lapis snorted. “I’m not going to jump, Peridot.”

“Why did you call me?”

Lapis looked away. “I’m not sure. I was…I didn’t know what I was gonna do up here. I just remembered your note.”

Peridot sighed again. She always seemed to sigh in Lapis’s presence. Lapis couldn’t blame her. “Well…I’m glad you did.”

“I’m sorry about calling you,” Lapis said. She ran fingers through her hair. “This was a stupid idea.”

“It’s okay. I want you to be safe.”

“But why?”

“Because you’re my friend, of course,” Peridot said.

Lapis snorted again. “You’re too good for me, Peridot.”

Lapis glanced down at the world below. She wanted to go down there so bad…why did she have to be so afraid? She let out a sigh and took a step back.

“Okay. Let’s go,” Lapis said.

A miniscule smile twitched Peridot’s lips slightly. “Let’s paint something.”

Lapis held her arm. “Sure,” she said.

They left the roof together and began their trek to their floor. They winded their way down the stairwell in silence, until Lapis decided to say something that was on her mind.

“Did you know Jasper goes to our college?”

“Mm…” Peridot seemed to linger on her words. Lapis furrowed her brow.

“So you knew?” Lapis asked.

“How…did you know?” Peridot asked instead.

“Aqua told me.”

“Your cousin?”

“Yeah. She didn’t know I dated her…she just took a picture and Jasper was in it.”

“Is that why you went to the roof?”

Lapis shrugged. “I dunno.” _Yes,_ she thought.

If only Lapis could be as free as Jasper was…but did Lapis even deserve it?

“What happened?” Peridot asked.

“That was it,” Lapis lied. She lowered her eyelids. “She looked happy.”

“In a good way or bad way?”

“Pfft. I dunno.” Lapis rolled her eyes. “I should be happy. It was bad when I dumped her.”

“Dumping her was the right thing to do, Lapis,” Peridot said. “You two weren’t good together.”

“I know.”

“And if she moved on and grew from it, you deserve to move on too.”

“I know…”

They finally reached their floor. Lapis followed Peridot to their room, and Peridot let her in. Lapis trudged inside and went to the art supplies that were scattered about in the living room.

Lapis spread out a piece of paper on their worn coffee table and set up the paints. She had no idea what she was going to paint, but she wetted her paintbrush and smeared red paint on the canvas. All she could think about was Jasper’s blood when Lapis tore her nails into Jasper’s face that one time they fought. Or the red marks around Lapis’s wrists when Jasper grabbed and squeezed them really hard.

“I should’ve guessed Jasper would go to school there,” Lapis said. “Seems everyone in our hometown is.” It made her insides sting with irritation.

“That’s a small town for you,” Peridot said. “And being conveniently close to Beach City.”

“Hey…” Lapis began as Peridot sat down across from her. “You said…she grew from it? Do you talk to her? What is…she like?”

“I don’t talk to her…” Peridot said as she grabbed a paintbrush. “Well…sometimes we stop and say hi. But only because we used to be best friends in middle school. We grew apart a long time ago.”

Lapis bit her lip. “Mmm.”

“She has a social life now. She seems to be really good friends with these other two girls, and they all seem happy together. She gets along with others a lot easier than she used to. She’s really nice to me when we talk.”

“Mmm,” Lapis hummed again, as she absentmindedly moved her paintbrush across the canvas. Nothing on her canvas made sense. Lapis wouldn’t exactly call herself an artist. She didn’t understand anatomy or color theory or composition. All her stuff ended up being abstract sceneries instead; just crap to get her emotions out, as Peridot suggested when they first started doing this together.

Bitterness started taking the reins. She pressed the paintbrush rather hard against the canvas and added a big red smear over the white. _Why didn’t you tell me?_ Lapis wanted to seethe. _Why didn’t you tell me she was okay?_

 _Because you’d react badly to it,_ Lapis answered to herself. Suddenly, she wanted to be alone again.

Her phone buzzed. Lapis decided to take her mind off the situation by checking it, but it didn’t cheer her up in the slightest.

“Dammit,” Lapis groaned.

“What is it?” Peridot asked.

“It’s my anthropology teacher. She’s talking about how shitty my grades are. Not with that wording, but I’m gonna fail.” _It was my fault,_ Lapis figured. She never really had motivation for that class. Hell, she didn’t even remember what she’d learn from it (or if she learned at all).

“Maybe you can make up for it in time,” Peridot suggested with a forced positive tone.

Lapis sighed and leaned against the couch. “Ugh.” If this was high school, she so wouldn’t. But she was paying for this shit. Lapis looked back at her phone.

**You may be able to pass with a low grade if you complete an additional project. The project is mandatory for on-campus students and requires making a short film with a group. Let me know if I can share your email with a student to be your partner in the project, so you two can discuss it.**

“I dunno if I can…” Lapis mumbled. “It involves doing a project that’s on-campus.”

“Tell your teacher you’re up for it anyway,” Peridot said. “If it can help you pass.”

“I guess…”

“And if you can’t do it, then well, you can’t do it. But do anything to raise your grade.”

“Yeah….” Lapis sighed. “Fine. I’ll wing it I guess.”

She typed a reply to the email.

**Okay.**

\--

Pearl was grateful to work on her homework while the other students left her be in their groups. At first she was flustered about it, because they would ask her why she wasn’t in a group. She’d nervously tell them “my group’s from another class” and nothing more. She didn’t touch on the fact that she was getting special treatment for being too shy…that was just too humiliating. Luckily, nobody asked her why her group was from another class.

She had just finished up her homework in time for the clock to strike 4:30 PM. Pearl stuffed her books back in her bag and headed off to her next class. Her next class was another of her required courses for her degree: Introduction to Psychology. It didn’t start in another thirty minutes and it was in the same building, so she had a lot of time to kill.

Pearl walked in the empty classroom and set her bag down on the desk. She pulled out her phone from her pocket, along with the slip of paper Agate gave her.

She took a deep breath. _Alright. Lapis Lazuli…_ She opened her email and started to type, trying not to let the tinge of sickness get to her. On the bright side, typing was a lot easier than talking.

**Lapis Lazuli,**

**Hello. My name is Pearl White. I am a student in Holly Agate’s Cultural Anthropology course and I was informed that you are my partner for the final project. Hope to hear back from you soon.**

**Pearl White**

_That should do it,_ Pearl thought as she clicked the send button.

\--

Lapis’s phone buzzed. She checked her phone and, just as she should have expected, the student emailed her.

She laid back on her bed and typed back.

**Hello Pearl. When should we work on the project?**

After clicking send, Lapis set her phone on the nightstand. _This better not be a disaster,_ she thought. If she had to do it outside her complex, then…well…this project wasn’t going to happen.

Her phone buzzed again. _That's fast._ She picked it up again.

**Lapis,**

**My Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays are packed. How does Tuesday or Friday sound? We can also work on the project on weekends if you’d like.**

**Pearl**

Lapis typed back.

**Any day is good.**

Before she pressed send, Lapis scowled. _She’s going to think you’re a loser!_ Lapis told herself. She erased the reply and typed a new one.

**How about this Friday? We can do it at my place. I’ll give you the address.**

_Better…I guess._ Lapis clicked send anyway. The message was still iffy, but she didn’t care. What else was she going to say? “Let’s meet at a public place”? As far as Lapis was concerned, that wasn’t going to happen, so hopefully this Pearl person wouldn’t be too creeped out.

 _Maybe she’ll turn me down and then I won’t have to do it,_ Lapis thought. Sucks for her grade but nice enough for her. Her wallet was going to hate her for wasting that class, though.

\--

Pearl’s brow furrowed at that email’s offer. Meet at her place…? What was this, some creepy hit-up?

 _Calm down, Pearl,_ Pearl tried to tell herself. _Perhaps she is the agoraphobic roommate that was mentioned. She likely is._

She typed back.

**Lapis,**

**Alright. Thank you very much.**

**Pearl**

Pearl closed her phone looked at the clock. Class would start any minute now, and students were already taking their seats. She’d have to wait for the reply until after class.

\--

Class finally ended. Students were gathering their items and exiting the door. Pearl decided to wait for the crowd to disperse, and checked her email. Lapis had typed back.

**My address:**

Beneath that sentence was the combination of numbers and a street name. Pearl copied the text, went to her text messages, and pasted it before sending it off to Amethyst.

**Amethyst, does this address seem familiar? A student named Lapis is working with me for a project and I was wondering if it’s the same Lapis as Peridot’s roommate.**

Pearl tucked her phone in her pocket and stood up. She left the classroom, and kept her eyes glued to the pavement as she walked down the sidewalk to her dorm. The streetlamps had turned on, and there was barely anyone walking around at this hour. Pearl stopped to slip her coat on to battle the chilly air, and continued on. Everything was going as routine, until she spotted something from the corner of her eye.

Pearl gasped and looked up. Something pink reflected in the streetlights ahead of her, but not just anything pink: it was pink hair. A head of big, pink, curly hair, possibly on somebody at least six feet tall, who towered over the few other students in the vicinity.

Pearl’s heart jolted. Immediately, Pearl turned around, and sped-walked in the opposite direction. She found the fork in the path she was looking for and headed into that area. The path lead to the mechanics buildings, which she knew the person, who was a medical student, would not go into. She was just about to disappear into the shadows until the person’s head turned.

The person was looking at her.

Pearl’s eyes widened as they got locked in Rose’s eyes. Their blue gazes sank into one another’s as fear vibrated through every atom in Pearl’s body. Rose slowed down and her feet turned into Pearl’s direction. Pearl tore her gaze out of Rose’s, and darted away as fast as she could.

She’d be home late, but did that even matter?

\--

“No game night with Amethyst?” Lapis asked from across the living room, after noticing that Peridot came home alone today.

“No,” Peridot said as she closed the door. She set her messenger bag on the counter. “She’s going to a party tonight.”

Lapis rose an eyebrow. “On a Wednesday?”

“Not that kind of party. A birthday party.”

“Hm.”

Peridot and Amethyst both had the same days off in the middle of the week, and would oftentimes come over and play videogames for a couple hours. Lapis never felt fond of Amethyst, nor did she know her too well, but Amethyst’s fun personality did significant work at lightening up the place whenever she was around. One thing Lapis appreciated was that her entertaining personality wasn’t being done out of pity or protection for Lapis. It was very unlike Peridot’s overly-sappy activites that only existed to keep Lapis “busy” and “happy”.

 _At least you have a roommate that cares about you. Stop bitching,_ Lapis rebuked herself. Lapis may wish to be treated normally, but at least she wasn’t treated like shit or had her emotions shoved to the side or made fun of. _At least she’s not like your family. At least you’re safe over here and cared for._

Being cared for…ick. _Shut up._

“What are you watching?” Peridot asked.

Lapis rested a hand on her face. “Just Camp Pining Hearts reruns,” she said, her voice muffled by the way her hand twisted her mouth. Nothing else was worth watching on this fucking TV.

Peridot looked at the screen. Her eyes brightened. “Ohhhh, is this the episode where Percy and Pier go canoeing in the lake together?!” she squealed.

“Yup,” Lapis said.

“My favorite episode,” Peridot said. She sank into the couch next to Lapis. “I just love the looks they gave each other in that scene. I wrote a fanfiction where they have their first kiss in that boat, right after that scene gets cut off in the show.”

“Yup, I read it,” Lapis said. Her voice sounded bored, but she grinned slightly. Seeing Peridot getting giddy over this show always sort of bounced off on her. Lapis wouldn’t call herself a fangirl, but she did get dragged into watching all the current five seasons with Peridot, and listened to endless rants about how Percy and Pier was the perfect relationship that deserved to be end-game. Even Lapis sort of started to believe it.

“So what happened with your anthropology thing?”

“The girl who’s gonna be my partner emailed me,” Lapis said. “I told her to meet up with me here.”

“That’s good,” Peridot said.

“Yeah…”

“You okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yes,” she gritted.

“Okay…”

“Sorry. I guess I’m just worried that this Pearl person is gonna insist we meet in a public place. But I’ll be fine. I’ll decline if she does.”

“Did you say Pearl?”

“Yeah.”

“I met someone named Pearl yesterday. She was really shy.”

Lapis rose an eyebrow. “Really? The Pearl I talked to didn’t sound shy.” Then again, they only spoke in email.

Peridot shrugged. “I didn’t know if she was the one from the email. I’m just bringing it up- Oh, this is the part where they go in the canoe! Now be quiet, I gotta see this!” She bounced up and down in her seat joyously like a child.

“Okay, fine,” Lapis said with a smile. Seeing Peridot get like this always amused her.

\--

 _Huff…huff…._ Pearl trudged into her room. Her chest rose up and down as she still tried to catch her breath. Her head spun and ached.

_Why did I do that?_

Rose had turned toward her. She was about to approach her. Did…did she want to talk to Pearl? Was that possible after all that happened?

_Of course not._

Breathing out a sigh, Pearl dragged herself to her bed and laid down on it. Nobody was here to badger her or interrupt her thoughts. Just her and the aching silence.

She’d let herself relax for a moment before returning to her homework. Pearl pulled out her phone.

Still no message from Amethyst.

 _She’ll message eventually,_ Pearl told herself as she put her phone away. Feeling a little pathetic and at mercy to the loneliness in this room, she curled up in her bed. She tugged her heated blanket over herself. The blanket wasn’t needed, only for the chilly winter months, but Pearl fiddled with and turned it on regardless. For some reason, she felt cold and alone.

“Rose…” she whispered. Fat tears welled up in her eyes and leaked down her cheeks, creating a wet mark on the pillow. She was doing so well not thinking about Rose…but today was a wake-up call that she wasn’t doing well enough. She urgently wiped the tears out of her eyes, only to make room for more to get released. _Oh, Rose…why can’t I move on?!_ Her face continued to stream.

Pearl was alone tonight…perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to cry a little bit. Just to get it out of her system and to get it over with.

Pearl buried her face into her pillow and cried quietly. She didn’t know how long she’d been there, but it must have taken at most just a few minutes. A quick cry was enough she’d allow herself to have. She had a lot of work on her plate for tonight, and she wasn’t going to let herself cry into exhaustion.

Pearl wiped the tears from her flushed and sticky face. She sat up, and remained hugging her blanket as she trotted to her desk. She blew her nose.

Tomorrow will be another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recovered from my sickness so now I'll probs only post once a week at the very least.
> 
> Mmmm they finally are talking.


	4. Kinships

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i looked forward to this chap so enjoy

Thursday passed as just another typical day. Pearl spent a portion of that day frequently checking her phone to see if Amethyst had picked up, but there was nothing.

 _What happened to when she used to be on the phone all the time?_ Pearl griped. Pearl used to complain about Amethyst’s phone habit while they were in high school, but perhaps it wasn’t so bad after all? Ugh.

Pearl set her phone down. It was Friday now, and Pearl’s day was almost ending. She rechecked the email Lapis sent this morning.

**What time?**

Pearl shut her laptop and sunk into her seat. Her heart thudded loudly in her chest just thinking about going to some random stranger’s house. Oh, if only Amethyst would just flipping answer her phone and confirm Pearl’s worries!

She also hated being irresponsible. Lapis must have been waiting all day for an answer, and it wasn’t even morning anymore. This whole situation had Pearl’s guts wringing themselves out.

The door opened and Jasper walked in. _She’s home early._ Jasper stomped to the bed and laid down. Her body was all tense and her fists were clenched.

 _What happened?_ Pearl wanted to ask.

But before she could figure it out, her phone buzzed. Pearl checked her phone to find out it was Amethyst. Finally!

 **Amethyst: hey sorry for being late**  
**Amethyst: yea thats dots place**  
**Amethyst: holy fuck u got paired up with lapis???? lmao good luck**

Breathing a sigh of relief, Pearl texted back.

 **Pearl: Thank you, Amethyst, and please do not worry about it.**  
**Pearl: What is wrong with Lapis?**

**Amethyst: holy shit dude shes like the biggest slacker in existence**

**Pearl: More than you are?**

**Amethyst: touche**  
**Amethyst: one time she started on her final project when it was thirty minutes till due**  
**Amethyst: idk her gpa but i heard her mention its low af lmao**  
**Amethyst: you think im a shit partner? have fun w lapis**

 **Pearl: Oh no…**  
**Pearl: You talk to her?**

**Amethyst: shes not much for convo and rarely leaves her room but yea sometimes**

**Pearl: I see.**

**Amethyst: lol have fun**

**Pearl: I’ll figure it out I suppose. If anything, I can do most of the work for her.**

**Amethyst: u are a godsend for slackers p**

**Pearl: Do not flatter me. I am never working with you again.**

**Amethyst: what project u gotta do w her?**

**Pearl: The short film one.**

**Amethyst: dear god good luck**

**Pearl: I’ll try my best.**  
**Pearl: Honestly I’m not looking forward to it but my teacher is going easy on me.**  
**Pearl: How are you?**

 **Amethyst: im g went to a party wednesday and nightshift yesterday**  
**Amethyst: im tiredddddddd**

**Pearl: I thought you were over your party phase.**

**Amethyst: nononono**  
**Amethyst: a bday party**  
**Amethyst: wait u forgot?**

**Pearl: I forgot?**

**Amethyst: nm**

**Pearl: You’ve piqued my curiosity. What do you mean I forgot?**

**Amethyst: it aint important**

**Pearl: Why?**

**Amethyst: fuck man**  
**Amethyst: dude uh**  
**Amethyst: roses bday?**  
**Amethyst: i dont blame ya for forgetting it just took me by surprise**  
**Amethyst: and meh it wasn’t that fun**

Pearl’s heart sank. Suddenly, reality started to hit her like that meteor crash that wiped out the dinosaurs. Rose...on Wednesday, wasn’t that when Rose ran into Pearl?

…Pearl snubbed Rose on Rose’s birthday?!

**Pearl: I see.**

**Amethyst: yea**  
**Amethyst: it sucks that had to happen w u and rose**  
**Amethyst: if i could fix it i would**  
**Amethyst: im sorry dude**

Pearl didn’t answer. A lump formed in her throat and she wished she could cry, but Jasper was here with her. If anything, she’d have to do it in the bathroom and hope Jasper couldn’t hear anything, but Pearl knew that option was useless since the bathroom’s walls were so thin (a thing she unfortunately learned with having a roommate as crude and loud as Jasper...in more ways than one). Not even the bathroom could save Pearl from her pathetic dilemma.

Pearl exited the texting app and checked her social media. She rarely posted anything on there (since her life was uneventful), but she sometimes checked her friends’. As expected, she saw photos from Amethyst and Garnet, of them at the party. Balloons everywhere and even a selfie of Amethyst drinking wine with Rose. A picture of an extravagant pink cake shaped into the number “21”. Pearl didn’t know why she was torturing herself. She exited the app and checked her texts again. A new message had been sent from Amethyst.

**Amethyst: u g?**

Pearl hesitantly typed back.

**Pearl: I have to go and let Lapis know when a good time is to meet her.**

**Amethyst: ok bruh**

Pearl exited the texting app. She didn’t even know if she wanted to email Lapis now. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat, but to no avail. Her back turned to Jasper in hopes Jasper couldn’t see her face.

 _Don’t cry. Don’t you cry and embarrass yourself like this._ Not to mention, Pearl didn’t want to ruin her makeup.

Then anger and frustration yanked up and replaced Pearl’s sadness. Why was it that Amethyst had time for Rose but not for Pearl?! Pearl knew she and her were equally busy but…why?!

 _If that night hadn’t happened with Rose, I would still be able to hang out with her…I’d still be able to hang out with Rose…go to that party…maybe I even would have been able to have fun last night…._ Now it took even more willpower to restrain Pearl’s tears.

She snapped out of it. She needed to email Lapis. That project had been waited on for too long. She sighed and opened her email and typed.

**Lapis,**

**I am so sorry for responding so suddenly. I just completed my classes. How does 3:00 PM sound?**

**Pearl**

After typing that out and sending it off, Pearl got up. She cringed at herself.

_She’s going to think you’re horrible at time-management! How embarrassing…_

Perhaps she should look as presentable as possible, just to redeem herself, if that was the case. She went to the bathroom and threw on a nice pair of white jeans and a sky-blue blouse. She fixed up her hair and reapplied some makeup. Finally, she looked good as new. She took a step back to get a full view of herself in the mirror.

…She looked nice enough, but would this student even want to work with Pearl? 3:00 was just in a couple hours. Pearl wanted to dig a ditch and lie in it.

_She’s probably annoyed at me! Oh, why did I have to worry so much about her address?! I’m making a huge fool of myself! It’s going to be like Rose all over again!_

Sitting back down on her bed, Pearl checked her email to see if she got a reply yet. She didn’t expect it, since only ten minutes had passed, but she got one. _This Lapis sure does reply quickly,_ Pearl started to realize.

**Sure.**

Pearl scowled at that reply. It was so short, Pearl couldn’t tell what kind of emotion Lapis was feeling through that response. _Maybe she is annoyed at me…maybe it’s better if I don’t show up._

Pearl mentally slapped herself. _No!_ she scolded. _You are going to keep your word and go do this project with this girl!_

Pearl picked up the bus map she printed out in the school library yesterday. If she were to get to Lapis’s place by three, she’d have to leave in an hour and a half.

“What’s that?” Jasper suddenly asked.

“Mm?”

Jasper looked at her with tired, bloodshot eyes. _Is she okay?_ Pearl wondered. “That’s a bus map, yeah?”

Pearl nodded.

Jasper chuckled weakly. “Fuck…I wonder if any of them leave this fucking city…”

Pearl frowned.

Jasper seemed to notice, much to Pearl’s embarrassment. “I’m fine,” she said. “Don’t mind me.”

 _You are most certainly not fine!_ Pearl wanted to gripe, but she said nothing. Ugh, Jasper was so infuriating sometimes…or maybe Pearl was just too upset to accept Jasper’s stupid tendency to hide her issues while simultaneously being worn on her sleeves.

“I’m taking a nap. Don’t cause a ruckus,” she joked. “God, I’m tired as fuck.”

“Okay…”

“Thanks, Pearl. You’re a hero.”

Pearl said nothing.

\--

Lapis spent the day wondering if this Pearl person would reply to her message. Thursday had passed with no answer, and now it was past noon on the day they were supposed to meet. Maybe she got creeped out and gave up, Lapis thought, half-hopeful and half-dreadful.

The hopeful side of her seemed to be taking the reins, because when she finally received an email from Pearl, she slumped her face on the computer desk for a second in vexation. Dammit, and to think she was so close to have her tenth day off in a row.

3:00? Isn’t that in two hours? But regardless, Lapis typed her agreement and sent it off. _Do it for the wallet,_ Lapis kept reminding herself. _You paid for this class. Do it for your wallet._

 _Two hours…two hours…hmm…_ Lapis had a lot to do in two hours. It finally occurred that she hadn’t shaved in like a month, and she was wearing nothing but a tank top and tacky shark panties where the pussy bit was a shark mouth with the slogan “feed me” written at the top (something she impulse bought for thirty dollars…her wallet would never forgive her). She walked out her room only to see that the kitchen and living room was a complete mess.

 _Shit. There’s so much to do._ Lapis stared at the disaster that was her home. She returned to her room and laid on the bed instead.

An hour and a half passed while she laid there fucking around on her phone. Once the half hour hit, Lapis shot up. _SHIT! THERE’S SO MUCH TO DO!_

She jumped up to her feet and rushed to the bathroom to shave her legs and armpits. When she was done, she threw on the first clothes she found that could also battle the summer heat, and then headed to the living room. After glancing at the clock and realizing she only had five minutes left, she gathered up all the art supplies and threw them in a corner.

Before she could even think about cleaning the dishes, the doorbell rang. _Oh mother fuck!_

…That’s what she got for procrastinating for an hour and a half.

\--

The bus ride was a long one. As it turned out, Lapis lived all the way near downtown Beach City, close to the bay. The bus ride was a slow and crowded one. Pearl had to stand in the aisle of the bus and hold onto the ceiling handles. She really wished she brought hand sanitizer with her.

The bus stopped. She murmured a “thank you” to the driver and stepped off. She strolled down three blocks until she reached the apartment Lapis had described in the address.

She looked up. Unsurprisingly, the apartment was the shabbiest one of the block, as expected for two college students living downtown. Pearl adjusted her backpack and walked in, trying to ignore the faint yet unpleasant smell of mold and dust that the building carried. The walls were stained and some were even torn, and Pearl couldn’t imagine how unclean the carpet was.

_Ugh. I need a doctor’s mask when walking through here._

Pearl rode the elevator up to Lapis’s floor, and then finally reached the room number. She took a deep breath.

 _Alright, Pearl…you can do this._ She took another deep breath. Her stomach was queasy and she felt as if she were about to throw up. All of a sudden, she was having second thoughts.

 _She’s going to hate you! She’s probably so angry at you for being so last minute. Oh no, oh no, oh no!_ The world around her trembled and her mind spun and she could barely breathe. _No! You have to do it! Your grade depends on it!_  Her head raced in confusion and she remained standing there.

 _Ding dong!_ the doorbell went. Pearl’s heart practically stopped. She had been shaking so much that she accidentally pressed the button. She took a large step back.

Pearl’s heart burst out of her chest as soon as the doorknob quivered. The door clicked open and a girl peaked through.

“H…hello…” Pearl quavered, breathing heavily and probably looking like a fool. She tried to ignore the sickness in her stomach.

“Hey.” The door opened wider, and the girl came into full view. Pearl’s eyes widened at the sight of the stranger.

Pearl didn’t necessarily imagine who lived in this apartment with Peridot, but she certainly didn’t expect her to look like…this…either. _Is this the right place?_

The girl’s hair was cropped just slightly above her shoulders and dyed a deep, cerulean blue, making her wavy hair appear like an ocean. She wore a crop top and a pair of un-matching gym shorts. And then there were the tattoos. A vibrant green sea serpent laced its way up her right arm. A wave was tattooed to one of her thighs. Her lip was pierced with a small metal dot, as was her nose, and her ears had multiple piercings in them.

Her tan skin was peppered in freckles that ran over her nose and cheeks and arms, making it look like sand in contrast to her ocean-blue hair. She was slightly shorter than Pearl and was rather thin, but her posture carried an air of authority to it that it would make someone think twice before trying to take advantage of her small, delicate size. Her dark eyes were bored and tired and there were dark circles around them, but it was weirdly fitting for her.

“You’re Pearl, right?” the girl asked.

Pearl nodded.

“Cool. I’m Lapis. Come in.”

The color in Pearl’s face escalated from pink to red. She urgently brushed a tuft of hair out of her own face as if that would help. It didn’t. “Um…o-okay,” Pearl mumbled as she hurried inside.

Lapis closed the door. “I didn’t expect you’d come.”

“Mm?” Pearl cocked her head.

“Yeah. Most people don’t wanna come over here if they haven’t met me first.”

“It’s alright…” Pearl murmured.

“I give off pretty strong murderer vibes.”

“…”

“It’s a joke. Don’t be scared of me.”

Lapis strolled in the kitchen while Pearl remained frozen and shaking slightly in the doorway. Pearl held her arm as she watched Lapis pour a glass of water.

“Want a drink?” Lapis asked. “We have water or lemonade. Or beer if you want that I guess.”

Pearl rubbed the back of her neck. “Um…no thanks…”

“’Kay.” Lapis dropped a couple ice cubes in her drink and picked it up. She headed to the living room and set her drink on the coffee table. She sank into the couch and scooted to the end to give Pearl room. “Get comfy.”

“O-okay.” Pearl kept her eyes to the floor as she headed to the couch and sat down across from the girl. Pearl sat up straight with tight muscles as her heart thumped uncomfortably hard. She held her hands in her lap and tried not to shake.

Being as still as possible, Pearl’s eyes moved around to observe the room. Art supplies were shoved to the corner of the living room next to the TV. _So she’s an artist,_ Pearl mused. _Not surprising. Especially from how…ugh…disorganized this horrid place is…._ Succulents and other plants in decorated vases (perhaps they were painted by Lapis?) sat near the window.

Her eyes continued to drift around and she nearly broke her stiff façade in a double take. _Oh my…!_ None other than a glass bong sat on a shelf, barely noticeable next to the decorative plants. The crude object was as blue as Lapis’s hair, and had little green sea turtles painted around it.

It seemed Pearl could not stop blushing today. She decided it was best to just stare at her feet.

“Are you productive with music?” Lapis asked.

Pearl nodded.

“’Kay.” Lapis got up and headed to the stereo. “I have alternative and ambient music.” She paused. “Most of the ambience is whale and ocean sounds. Some say it’s creepy but I find it relaxing.”

Pearl shrugged. “I don’t mind…” she whispered.

“Do you like garbage?”

“Um…” _How do I respond to that?!_

“Garbage? The band?”

“Um…”

“How about Silversun Pickups?”

_What is she even saying?!_

Lapis looked away. “Never mind. I’ll play ambience. Just tell me if it starts creeping you out.” She attached her phone to the stereo and eventually eerie drones and bubble noises started to play. Pearl tried to ignore the curve of her ass as Lapis fiddled with the device. Lapis strolled back to the couch. She sat down and flipped her hair, causing Pearl to catch a whiff. She smelled like lavender and mint…Pearl blushed even harder. Pearl tried to snap out of it but her face just got hotter as a result.

“So…” Lapis began. “This project….”

“Yeah…”

“Got ideas for it?”

Pearl shook her head, twirling a piece of her hair.

“Damn. Me neither.” She paused for a moment. “You’re not much for conversation, huh?”

Pearl shook her head again sadly.

“It’s cool. I’m a fucking shut in too.”

“You are?” Pearl whispered. Well, from what she was told about Lapis, she knew the answer to that. But still…seeing Lapis…it was so hard to believe that she’d be afraid of the outside world.

Pearl’s shyness made sense- she was just a mere bookworm that couldn’t socialize to save her life. Lapis looked…what was the word? Rebellious? Fearless? Maybe it was the colored hair and piercings and tattoos that gave that vibe. Pearl supposed she was an example to not judge a book by its cover.

“Yeah. All I talk to is my roommate and whoever is brave enough to walk in here. People suck. Anyway…” She looked around. “Shit. I printed something. It’s still in my room.”

Pearl opened her backpack and pulled out her own paper.

“That’s it,” Lapis said. She took the paper from Pearl’s hand that detailed the requirements. “Our group is on chapter twelve, right?”

Pearl nodded.

“Okay. I don’t know that chapter.”

“Kinship systems…”

“Kinship systems?”

 _Amethyst is right. She does slack, doesn’t she?_ “A system of…social relationships…that varies from culture to culture.”

“Hm.”

They sat in silence for a while. The sounds of whales bellowing and waves crashing was all that was heard in the room. Pearl twiddled her fingers and stared at her feet. Lapis flipped the pages of the textbook on the table.

Lapis leaned into the couch. “You know the chapter, right?”

Pearl nodded.

“’Kay.”

More silence. Lapis kept scanning the book. Pearl decided to take out her own and do the same.

“Hm…so Americans have few kinships compared to other cultures.”

Pearl nodded.

“What is…an affinity? I can’t understand what this book is saying. The sentences are too long. I hate how college books have to have a horrible writing style to ‘look smart’. It’s pretentious bullshit.”

“Affinity is…the social connections…formed through the result of a marriage.”

“You’re smart,” Lapis suddenly said.

Pearl blushed; still staring at her feet. “Not really…I just work hard…” she murmured.

“What are you studying?”

“Business…degree…”

“Cool.”

“And….y…you?” Pearl managed to push out.

“Liberal arts. You don’t look like you’d study business. You look like a science type.”

“Sorry….” To be fair, Lapis was correct. Pearl wanted to study something in the science field, though she couldn’t quite figure out which topic. Her mom told her not to…that a business degree would actually get her somewhere in life; that science wouldn’t.

“What made you choose that?”

“My mother is…a marketing…executive…”

Lapis’s eyebrows rose just a centimeter. “You must be rich.”

“Upper…middle class.”

“Capitalism sucks. Not for you I guess.”

“Mm…”

“What company?”

“Four Diamond Corporation.”

Lapis scowled. Pearl didn’t know what made Lapis do it, but she wished she hadn’t said anything.

“That company exploits inhumane mines from all over the world.”

“Wh-what?”

“They do that. People die in those mines. Many workers are sick and still live in poverty. Your mom works for that?”

“Oh…” Pearl had no idea, and didn’t even know how true Lapis’s claim was, but she didn’t know what to say.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t know that.”

“Excuse me, I need a bathroom,” Pearl suddenly said, feeling nauseous. She felt even more sick and hot after realizing what she just said. “I’m sorry…” she murmured. She bolted to her feet and sped-walked down the hallway.

“You passed it,” Lapis said.

Pearl took a few steps back and reached for the doorknob.

“Door across from you.”

Pearl turned around and opened that door. She rushed inside and slammed the door shut.

 _Huff…huff…_ Pearl shakily carried herself to the toilet and sank to her knees across from it. She didn’t even want to think about how disgusting this floor was, but regardless…

 _Keep it together, Pearl…_ Pearl thought. As if to disobey her, a surge of sickness shot up Pearl and she doubled over the toilet. _Keep it…together…_

Another lump formed in her throat and she fought back the urge to cry, but her willpower just wasn’t working its best today. A few tears leaked out of her.

_Remember…this is for your grade…you can do this for your grade… Oh, who am I kidding, we haven’t even gotten to the filming part yet and I am already like this!_

Pearl sat there for a moment to cool down and allow her heart and breathing to slow. She took a deep breath and stood up. She brushed herself off and washed her hands. She figured she shouldn’t stay too long in here, or else Lapis would wonder what she was up to. She looked up to get a look at her makeup, but stopped. _What?!_

There was no mirror. On the wall above the sink, there was a discolored, rectangular mark, appearing as if a mirror had been there some time ago. But there was none in sight. Pearl looked around and realized there was no mirror in this bathroom at all.

 _Oh, honestly!_ She fiddled around to get her makeup kit, but realized that she had left her bag outside with Lapis.

\--

Pearl disappeared into the bathroom, leaving Lapis to herself. Lapis waited. _Was it something I said?_

Lapis wasn’t sure how to feel about this girl she was around. At first glance, she was…adorable, not to mention pretty as hell, but so fucking cute. Timid and so soft-spoken, and having an adorable tendency to blush a lot. Lapis liked the way her lovely, blue eyes would flutter and dart around as she spoke, and how she’d frequently brush tufts of her short, peachy hair away from her delicate, porcelain face that was always tinted pink at the cheeks. But God, were those aspects also extremely uncomfortable, and they sure did like to radiate off onto Lapis.

Pearl fidgeted way too much for her own good, about every five seconds. Her soft words also had a strain in them, as if Pearl was using extraordinary strength to push a single syllable out of her mouth. She was awful at conversation. She looked like she was…in pain even…and Lapis couldn’t help but feel pain for her too. Especially after Lapis started making comments on her anti-Capitalist views.

 _Goddammit!_ Lapis thought. _You scared a fucking shy girl with your politics! Thanks a lot, asshole!_

About five minutes passed and Lapis was starting to wonder if Pearl was okay. _Maybe she’s hiding from me…nerds hid in the bathroom from me in high school…this isn’t different, right?_ Lapis wanted to shoot herself for her stupid behavior. That poor thing must be terrified of her.

Eventually the door clicked open. The girl trudged back in. Her makeup wasn’t bad, but it was slightly smeared around the eyes. Did she cry? _Oh no…look what you did to the poor girl, Lapis. Fucking idiot cunt._

“Hey,” Lapis said, in a much softer, kinder voice.

Pearl said nothing and sat down across from her.

Lapis mulled over for a moment. She really didn’t want to admit she was wrong…but she’ll do it for this case. Ugh… “Hey…I’m sorry. I’m not judging you,” she said gently.

“It’s alright,” Pearl whispered, her gaze stuck the floor.

“Also…and I’m just saying this because we’re both girls here…it’s not to judge you…but your makeup is a little smeared. I guessed you’d want to know.”

Not unexpectedly, Pearl’s cheeks flushed bright red for a second. “Oh,” she murmured. She covered her face. “I’m sorry…”

“Nono, it’s fine,” Lapis said, suddenly feeling awful for pointing it out. But she was in too deep. “It happens to me too. Everyone who wears makeup goes through this.”

“Where…where can I fix it…?” she asked shakily.

“I use my laptop camera to work on mine,” Lapis said. “Want me to go grab it for you?”

“O…okay…” She grabbed her bag. “A…actually…” She took out a makeup kit. As she opened it, something flashed in Lapis’s gaze and Lapis’s eyes widened in horror. She already could tell what was in there: a mirror.

Without thinking, Lapis rammed her hand on top the kit and snapped it back shut. She snatched it away.

“Don’t open that!” Lapis cried, ripping it out of Pearl’s grip. She trembled in both anger and fear.

Pearl doubled back. As soon as Lapis registered the terror in the girl’s eyes, Lapis snapped back to reality. She looked at the makeup kit she was gripping tightly, and slowly handed it back to Pearl. Pearl shakily took it back, fear still stirring in her wide eyes. She quivered like a newborn kitten away from its mother for the first time.

Lapis took a deep breath. “Fuck…I didn’t mean to-”

Pearl stood up.

“Are you okay?” Lapis asked, returning to her soft and gentle voice, but it didn’t work this time. Lapis had already done enough to terrify this girl.

“I-i-it’s getting late…” Pearl whispered. She still trembled pathetically…Lapis almost wanted to protect her…but Lapis was what Pearl should be protected from. “I’m sorry.”

“I understand,” Lapis said weakly.

“I’ll…see you…”

“Okay,” Lapis said.

Pearl gathered her stuff. “I’m sorry,” she murmured one last time. She stepped out and closed the door.

Lapis wanted to tear at herself. _GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!!_ She really scared a shy girl…a fucking shy girl! And she snapped at her too. _What the fuck is wrong with me?!_

She wondered if she’d ever see Pearl or work on this project again. Talk about a huge social blunder. Maybe it was a good idea if they didn’t…. Lapis sighed.

\--

It was so hard to hold back tears, but Pearl managed. She rode back to the campus, and as soon as she stepped off the bus, she sped-walked to the dorms, hoping nobody could see her smeared makeup. She kept her face lowered to the floor and opened her door and burst inside.

When she walked in, Jasper wasn’t around. Perfect. She threw herself onto the bed and cried again. What a disaster that was! She should’ve known this project would be, no matter how easily the teacher was going on her.

_The teacher shouldn’t even be taking it easy on me…that’s how pathetic I am…_

After calming down, Pearl carried herself to the bathroom and wiped all the makeup off. She stripped into her pajamas since she had no plans to leave the dorm for the rest of the day, and hopped right back on her bed. She checked her phone. She ignored the stream of texts from her mother, and checked Amethyst’s messages.

**Amethyst: what was lapis like lol**

**Pearl: She’s not what I expected.**  
**Pearl: Not to mention, not much got done.**

Pearl didn’t feel like roping Amethyst into the gossip, so she just left the message as that. Pearl couldn’t help but wonder about Lapis’s freak out…genuine fear had stirred in that girl’s eyes when she yanked that makeup kit away, but Pearl didn’t know why. Was it something Pearl did…?

Pearl sighed. She wondered if Lapis would ever want to be around her again. Not to mention, she wondered if this group project would even work out.

_I don’t want to fail…but will I?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awkwarrrrddddd


	5. This Isn't a Chapter, Just an Update

**If you are interested in new chapters of Connected, please read this.**

I have good news and bad news.

The good news is I am still, in some way, writing Connected.

The bad news is I'm discontinuing this version.

To everyone interested in this one, I deeply apologize. Instead I will be writing another fic, "Connected (Redux)", which has a similar premise but a different plot. It is posted on my account right now if you want to check it out.

Why did I do this? Because I wasn't happy with the direction this Connected was heading. The story started as a vent fic for me. It was a way for me to write about my struggles with the life-destroying aspects of phobias. As I kept writing, I realized it was becoming less genuine with the illness and more like...well...a ship fic (and yes, it was a ship fic, but overall I wanted mental illness to be the primary part of the story with the ship as secondary, which I had failed to do).

I want to write something that feels real to me. I want to write something that reflects the pain and life-destroying aspects of something I struggled with every day. My life has improved and I am on a clear path of recovery, but I still want to portray a character whose experiences were similar to mine. Phobias aren't some minor inconvenience like society has made them up to be. Phobias can sap your life away and make you miss out on so much.

So...I'm rewriting it. The new fic is going to be more miserable. It's going to be more frustrating. Life situations will be different. Everything that was set up in this Connected will be completely altered. However, I do intend to keep the comedic and lighthearted aspects of the this fic as well, and will still include the delicious Pearlapis we all love.

I am so sorry. This fic just...wasn't working for me as an author anymore. I'm definitely not letting go of it, of course, but I just have to rewrite it.

I hope you all understand. Thank you so much for whoever read this.~


End file.
